I was hearing a song on repeat and my Indian mother could not be more irritated and asked, 'Can you stop listening to this crappy English song? Such songs are the reason why you feel so anxious these days.'
I replied, "You have no idea what it does to me. It's not just a song to me."
"Then what is it?"
Although, not entirely wrong, she mis-read the situation. I was not anxious, but just in pain. First things first, let me tell you all the words that are shouting through my head. I was broken from inside, and I was tired of the way things have been going and it was affecting me. I used to be a 'happy go lucky' type person. Time had shown me things that changed me for bad. I always believed whatever happened, it happened for a reason. Not sure if it still holds true for me.
I was broken from a very young age. My childhood was not as normal as it looked to my friends. Not complaining though, I had a fair share of joy and happiness. I learnt it from a very young age that alcohol changed people. Even the once which were funny could do and say things that could break you from inside. Pain, when it came from people you cared the most, that's when it hurts you the most. I realized very quickly that you could deal it in two ways. Take the sulking to the masses and cry. Two turn to writing and write the fuck out of your pain. So you know what I am choosing writing again. You know why, because pain don't direct me what I should do. I am the one at the sail, and I am the master of the sea. I know very few will read this, but hope it helps at least some.
Five years ago, I got married and for sure it was not an easy sailing. The boat(it's a metaphor) had just sailed off and we were in deep shit already. I quickly realized that we are two opposite sides of a coin. She liked drama, and I liked peace. She dropped a note, 'It's not working. I had huge expectations from this like any other girl.' (She is a girl and so, I can assure you she wrote whatever she could fit in two sides of the note. She probably didn't want to waste a lot of papers so must have stuck to one note. I have compressed it to what she meant.) and she left without saying a word. That too, right in the middle of our honeymoon. I was holding the note in my hand and stood there not knowing what to do next. I tried calling my in-laws and no answer from them. Fluttered and tensed, I rushed out in search for her. It was late at night, and we were abroad. I was worried that if she knew the places well enough to know her way back if she goes too far. I wasn't sure if I should have approached police, or just wait and see if she comes back. Should I have reported her missing? But then she had left a note so could I have given a missing complaint. I really had never been in such a situation before. I don't exactly remember what I was feeling. Anger, scared, pain, hurt, worry for her, might be all of them together. And there came a moment when it all disappeared, and I started to sing from the heartache, through the pain. Taking the message from my veins. By now you must have realized what I was singing.
She did show up after an hour or two and said, "I thought you will be worried. You didn't even check on me. That tells me how much you care about me."
I replied, "You left a note and left. Did you even care about me? What for? For a small fight we had."
"I was angry, so I just left and ate in a good restaurant. I was anyways not going for real."
It felt like an emotional torture and the worst part is she didn't even realize what she had put me through. Why is it all about her expectations from marriage? Didn't I have any expectations?
Back story ends here. Back to my mom.
"It's life for me."
Mom, "Such songs singing through the pain and taking the message through the veins. It's affecting your head, beta(Son)."
"You have no idea how much time it has helped me. It's the lessons that I have learnt in the past five years of my life. I have seen the beauty through the pain. She made me a believer, a believer."
You must be saying it's just one incident. If she could do that in the honeymoon, believe me what followed is a tsunami. Right now, I will be fighting a legal battle with her and standing in a position to lose everything I built on my own. The hard work, the sleepless night to get all that and just one ruling, and I could loose half of what she has not put even a penny in.
But still, Pain, you break me down, you build me up, you make me a believer. You have no idea how pain makes you believe more. If you believe, you must have felt pain, uncontrollable pain anytime, sometime. My life, my love, my drive, it came from pain. It came from the pain of losing and starting again. The drive to start again and get back what I lost in the love game. Yes, I called it a game, because that is what it was for her. But still I will pray for her and all the hate that I have heard off her has turned my spirit into a dove. My spirit up above. I was chocking leaving with you, living my brain up the clouds, and falling like ashes to the ground. But now my feelings have drowned. I am sure, I don't even want to see you in a crowd. It will never be the same, it will always be a game(to you). I tried to mold myself for you and bend down. It was a testimony to my patience, until it broke up and rained down. It opened the flood gates, the hell gates and slept all the feelings right out. Damn. Pain. You break me down, you build me up, you make me a believer. A believer. By the grace of fire and flames. You are the face of determination that runs through my veins. Oh oh. The determination in my veins. And you felt that you could break me down. But they never will, ever kill, my hopes. Oh oh. The strength of my hopes. oh. Pain. you break me down, you build me up, you make me a believer. A believer.
Yes, it's more than a song to me.