Human Race

I woke up this morning, and something happened that made me write this blog. I realized that it was 2019.
Yes, it took me almost a month and a half to realize that 2018 has gone, and we were in 2019.
That is how much fast we are running.
We are running so fast to keep up with others that we don't even realize how much time has passed since the last time we took time for ourselves.
 
I was always been skeptical about why we refer to a grouping of humans based on shared physical or social qualities as the human race. And the reason why I feel it is called a human race is different than the actual meaning. It has a more psychological aspect than a physical one.

I believe we are really in a race to be mightier, more wealthy, more successful, running behind a loved one, and so on. The reason might be different, but we are all in a race. And in this race, I wanted to take a time off. Like forget about the bills, forget about the remaining work at the office, forget about buying gifts for valentines. I mean, literally everything.

I took a day off from office to retrospect on my life, and it's so disheartening that it had to come down to this. I am not trying to be over-dramatic, but it saddens me that it takes such a step to enjoy the moment you live in. I soon realized lousy habits are not easily lost. I took the first step of being alone at the house to do something I like. That is to write, but I soon realized that I was not doing it. I started my day by watching television and was about to pick up my phone to play PUBG when I realized that this is why I don't remember anything. I don't remember the time that has gone by. To have a sense of time, you have to do something to remember it. What I remember of the last year is going to work, coming from work, watching Netflix, Playing PUBG, paying bills, and eating to survive. If you replay this part of my life, about 365 times, that is my last year to you. Yep, I slipped in a marriage in that routine as well.

I use to remember a year by the number of treks I had gone, the number of blogs I had written, the number of books I was writing and nearing to publish, number of dreams I am trying to fulfill. I even tried to ask myself, "Am I even leaving the life that I want or just trying to fill in the shoes of a successful man with high Salary and to work for a brand company?" 

I remember the words once my mother said, "I am not sure why you keep looking for new jobs. There might be millions of people who would die to be in your position." And somehow that statement did trouble or kind of screw my head. I mean here I was earning good, working for a brand company millions of people would die to work in, and yet I am not happy. But that is what this race does to you. It screws your mind and tries to deflect from what you want and what others want.

I had seen a movie, "Into the wild." and there were many people who felt it was stupid, idiotic, and unmatured behavior. There were many other teenagers inspired by it and died subsequently. To our matured brains, it seems silly to die in the woods, which he loved to live in. But somehow, this mature brain is not able to comprehend the way we are dying each day by not living the way that we want to. How many of us are working in a job that we hate, not in a relationship just because the society does not approve of it and not able to leave a relationship just because we feel it is immoral to do that. And to our little-matured brains, it is just fine. It is not stupid, idiotic, or unmatured at all. Right now, for me, that guy who lived his dream for only 100 days might be worth leaving more than a guy who leaves 100 years in a bad relationship or work that he does not want to be.

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put, to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."
Henry David Thoreau

And I am fearing that most of us are going to die without even living it. I am not saying get yourself killed doing something you love. But it is worth more than dying living something you didn't like at all.
I remember the blog that I once wrote about a small boat and realized the fire to beat the norm, to live the way I wanted to, was dying out on me. My friend, who was desperately trying to put my dreams down, was being proven right. That is when I said, "No. I am a writer and would be a writer for the rest of my life. No matter if I make it big or not. No one can take that away from me. So you are going to read a lot of blogs and books from me. No matter what. I am not going to run away from it and think it is just a passion and not a profession. You know why? "
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can cause an explosion
I am not in the race. Not because I fear of losing, but because I fear that even if I win it, I would not remember who all ran with me, and all the things I had to miss to finish first is not even worth it. Because in the end, I don't want to regret not leaving life the way I wanted it.
So, are you still in this race to be what someone else wants you to be? Well, I hope at least you enjoy it.

What I want from life?

It's hard to decipher life and, most importantly, what you want in life, or if I can be more demanding than what I need from life—a little background on my childhood. I was the quietest and shy guy in the school. Well, I tried to break open my shyness in college and fly. Fly away from the shyness, but something was holding me back.

I did not realize what it was then, but when I look back now, I know it was not just shyness. It was my fear of being judged. Like not proposing the first girl I fell in love with. I use to see her sit on the bench just beside me. I am not sure if it was love or infatuation. I was too small at that time. But I cried a lot in the dark when my parents moved to a different place in Mumbai, and I had to attend another school. I think it was her two ponytails and her acknowledgment of me around her that attracted me towards her the most. I was a quiet, shy guy, and yet she looked and smiled at me every day. She was a beautiful girl, even the big guys of our school use to come in the break to talk to her. But she used to neglect them as if to let them know that she already likes someone else. Of course, it is my story, so I always felt it was me whom she wanted and as stupid as it may sound, it would forever remain that way for me. She might not even know that I loved her so much, but I did.

The fifth crush of mine was in engineering, and I had a good boy image. How was I supposed to propose a girl? What would others think about me? What if that girl broadcasts it to everyone in the college? What if I would be removed from the college for harassing a girl? What if they put me in jail? Yes, I did think about extremes. I am not saying I have changed a lot since then. My 8th crush in the office still doesn't know about it. Wait, she knows about it, but she might be tired of waiting for me to ask her out.

But, I realize it is pure stupidity not to act stupid sometimes. Not think an adult at all. And writing did help me in breaking my shackles and express myself freely. For once, I stopped thinking about what others thought about me. I realized it didn't matter as long as I didn't let it.

Back to what I want from life

Truth being said, I don't know, and it might just happen that I would never know about it. So what are we chasing in this life? It took me some time to realize that it is only happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. It's just happiness is different for different people. I am not going to tell you anything that you don't know, but I realized sometimes in life you need to remind yourself about the things that you already know but have forgotten about it.

Does it really matter? Your ego, bad day at the office, lousy increment, broken heart, lost friend, divorce, the stupid dance, the lost match, the rejections. When the light flashes in your eyes for the last time, and you replay your life back, you would not remember the rejections or the stupid increments. You would regret the love you never showered, the girl you didn't ask for a dance, the parties you missed, the dreams you did not chase, the business you didn't start, the world trip you did not go, your child's first words and the ponytail girl's hand you never held. I am no guru, nor am I a priest, nor am I teacher, but I am a believer, I am a good learner. And all that I have learned from life is; life is just a piece in time, your time, which coincides with mine, and it's short, concise, so don't take it seriously. Don't make the same mistake as mine of taking it too seriously. Just chill and make some stupid mistakes and have the heart to laugh on them. It needs lots of strength to make a mistake, but it requires even more courage to laugh at it.

If today I need to tell you something and even if it is a small thing, then it would be to make a mistake, but don't make the mistake of not making any mistake. In the end, you would have many things to laugh about and tell your grandchildren. Be young, be stupid, and make lots of mistakes. It's life, and it doesn't hesitate to try out different things. You never know what stuff you would make you happy.

What do I want from life? I don't know, but I know that writing makes me happy, and that is all I would be doing for some time, at least till it makes me happy. Life is short, and so it's stupid to worry about fame, money and so on. Just be happy, and you will find a way for all the other things. Stop reading and do that one thing, which might be your discovery of happiness. Don't forget to try new things and make lots of mistakes. If you think it was a mistake to read this blog. Well, it's just your bad luck. Try something else, but do try. Bye for now. I assure you, I would be back when I would be down again in life and need to vent it out. Am I flying? If you are reading this, it means I am. I am officially a writer now. One of my small dreams, and I don't care about what you think about my little speech. I have broken that shackles and flying much higher than the sky. You know what dreams don't need wings; it needs hope's to fly. I am hopeful. Are you? If not, it means you are taking life too seriously. Just chill.